I can’t tell you what I want to tell you. I can’t tell you because I want to tell you everything. I want to call you and tell you about this new idea I just had. I want to tell you how much I miss your hugs. I want to tell you how well Sam and BrainJuice are doing. I want you to know Michael is the sweetest man. I want you to know that Mom smiles and laughs and laughs and laughs these days. You loved her laugh. She’s okay. I promise. Dad is still such a quiet badass. Sometimes we try to determine where you got your brains from. From Mom or from Dad? Dad claims you’re way smarter than he ever was or ever will be. I should have just said “you were way smarter” but sometimes I get so fucking tired of talking about you in past tense. So we’re sticking with the different tenses here and grammar cops can promptly exit from this page if they’re getting high and mighty. Plus, English and grammar weren’t exactly your strongest subjects, so we’ll pretend the misused commas and crap in this project are in your honor, okay?
Anyways, every day I want to tell you things. Like on a Monday in November the year before last I wanted to call you so badly and tell you about Amy’s baby. "Can you believe Amy had a baby? Me freaking either! And with Jack Reynolds, no less. Life is so weird, huh?" I imagine you laughing and saying, "that's so crazy." Oh my gosh, how good it would be to hear your laugh right now. Alright, back to Amy and Jack, you would love their story. Actually wait, did you orchestrate their story up there with God? It seems so like you. It’s got you written all over it. I bet you did.
I want to tell you how sorry I am. I can already feel you shutting me up. You’re saying “Little girl, it never was your fault. Don’t do that to yourself.” But Zach, I will always think it’s my fault. I will always wonder why it was you instead of me. It would have made so much more sense if it was me. You can’t argue with that one either. Everyone knows it would have made so much more sense if it was me instead of you. I used to wake up every day wishing it would have been me. Maybe mom and dad’s heart wouldn’t have broken so terribly hard. I know that’s not true, but I still think it. Maybe there would be a cure for AIDS by now if it was me instead of you. If it was me instead of you, how many smiles would you have put on so many peoples faces by now? Far too many to even begin to imagine it. So why was it you instead of me? Why is this world missing your joy and your impact and your smile and your sweet, sweet soul? Why wasn’t it me? I'll be asking that question for the rest of my life, knowing that one day when I come home and join you, you'll say "this is why it wasn't you, boo boo."
Thank you for teaching me that it’s okay to be who I am, through the gentle screams of encouragement straight from Heaven when I’m doing something I’m supposed to be doing, when I’m doing something so aligned with my soul that you wonder what the heck took me so long. Thank you for teaching me that I’m not you, and that there’s beauty in that. There’s torment and there’s regret and there’s sadness and there’s attempt, years of attempt, but there’s also a bit of beauty there. And you taught me that. You taught me all the good things and all the hard things and all the things that a big brother is supposed to teach their little sister, even though we only had fifteen years together on this earth. You taught me how to sneak out of the house without mom and dad knowing, you taught me how to keep secrets, you taught me how to save my money by spending all of yours. You showed me what it’s like to be a friend. You were the very best friend. And it’s taken me a while, but you showed me how to be unapologetically confident in myself. You're still teaching me all the days of my life - in the days we had together and in the days since you've left. I've learned everything from you. And I'll be writing to you always, telling you things every hour of every day.
If there's one thing I'm proud of in this life, it's that I know you knew how much I loved, and love, you. And holy hell, is it a lot.
From the very first moment I was able to grasp who you were, that you were my big brother, I’ve loved you with all that I am. There’s not one single ounce of that love that will ever fade or dim. I’ll be missing you all the days of my life.
Thank you and I love you to the moon and back again and again and again, Zach. You’ll always be my perfect big brother.
*always flapping my wings like a birdie. always for you.