There are a few distinct moments and people that I associate with firsts - first true recognition of love, first true recognition of heartbreak, first true recognition of surprise and wonder, of joy and longing. I connect some of my first moments of love and heartbreak with you.
I loved you with an intensity reserved only for you from the day we first met, or so I can assume, for my earliest memories of you are met with a deep swelling of the vessels my heart. I loved being in your arms and at your house, cuddled up under the electric blankets on the couch, usually with you nestled in between Zach and I. I loved opening the closet off the kitchen, where I could always find Garfield and a myriad of other treasures. I loved the TV trays and the unique fun it was to have our dinners in the living room, on our own personal little tin trays just for us. I loved the trees in your yard and watching Zach climb the big one in the front. I loved the garage and seeing Pa's old truck in there, climbing in the front seat, plugging my nose from the smell of must. I loved the old songs we would dance and play around to - Great Balls of Fire will always take me back to dancing in the garage and what was probably your plan to rid us of some of our energy. I loved being tucked in by you at night, going to sleep knowing I was safe and loved and at my Granny's house.
I can still remember the pride and the awe I felt when I watched you dance with your friends. I thought it was the coolest that my Granny went to dance each week, and I slept in that faded black dance t-shirt of yours long after you were gone. There are few smells more comforting in this world to me than the smell of Dove soap, and Juicy Fruit gum will always make me smile and think back to you.
I can still feel the break of my heart that day you left us, and in the moments and days and years after. I didn't know an eight-year-olds heart could hurt that much or could long for someone so terribly so. You were my first lesson in saying goodbye, in learning to live with the pain, in learning to love harder and bigger and deeper. I've missed you every second since that July day, and find my comfort in knowing that you're always there, you've never left. I can still feel your hugs and smell the sweet scent of your perfume when I close my eyes.
Thank you for being the best Granny, and I'll love you always.